DSM-5 301.83

There are a lot of words for what I am;
markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image
to name but a few, and then we dig deeper
into chronic feelings of emptiness; and dissociative states under stress

and sometimes it feels as if my brain is shaped like an hourglass
slowly sifting through constellations like ashes
finding instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans
and rather, building staircases just so we can look over the walls

before we come back to where we started
left to an anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment;
even close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation
and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal

it is all one long tangent without interval
distracting from the process of laying brick upon brick without mortar
only to take the stones from the foundation
to start again elsewhere

my emotions that are easily aroused, intense
yet no one told me not to look with my hands over my eyes
they didn’t say it was counterproductive at first
against feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic

but then again the blind are best qualified to lead the blind
grasping fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy
pessimism about the future; pervasive shame;
feeling of inferior self-worth; 
it is all very impractical still

we are acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes;
with a sense of urgency, self-harming behaviour and emotional distress;
engaging in self-damaging activities without regard to consequences;
and a lack of concern or even denial of the reality of personal danger

our brains are like books; when read in reverse they rarely make sense
though we like to imagine we can see patterns in the markings
we are all just amateur psychologists with the lights turned off
humouring thoughts of suicide and suicidal behaviour.

%d bloggers like this: